Don't be fooled. She's actually pushing that child onto the bus.
21. You've long since enacted a zero tolerance policy for any child who dares to utter the phrase "I'm bored."
At the beginning of summer vacation, I was filled with optimism. Not only was summer vacation perfectly fine, I decided, it was actually better than the school year! Finally, we were freed from that prison of lunches and homework they call a school, and now we had the priceless gift of time to spend together.
I don't know what I was smoking in June, but it's August now. I've bonded with my kids until we can't bond anymore, and I'm thisclose to booking a one-way ticket to anywhere but here. I love my kids dearly, but I appreciate them even more when I have time to myself, too. I think that's called balance, and I'm pretty sure it's a good thing.
In no particular order, because I've given up on silly things like order and my own sanity, here are 25 signs that you, like me, are officially over summer. Welcome to the dark side. We have vodka.
1. Vacations no longer sound even slightly fun. Packing up roughly 95% of what you own just to listen to your kids argue in new scenery? Not for all of the nopes in Nopesville.
2. Unless the aforementioned vacation is just you, your iPhone, and a bed to yourself, of course.
3. You've thrown away every stupid game, toy, and book designed to promote "family fun" on the road and resigned yourself to the simple fact that the only things that keep kids happy for hours in the car are endless snacks and an iPad.
4. You've personally sustained the entire hot dog industry.
5. You've given up on containing things like glitter, and your home is now pockmarked with the herpes of craft supplies.
6. Your kids are sporting hairdos that would give Beethoven a run for his money, but you're determined not to pay for haircuts until school starts.
7. Meals have become free-for-alls, served buffet style, if they exist at all. Grazing is natural and healthy, right?
8. You need an incinerator to cope with the quantity of art your kids have created in the last week alone.
9. Popsicles have become a completely legitimate breakfast option. Organic popsicles, of course.
10. Your kids have long since destroyed all of the sidewalk chalk, bubbles, and other fun outdoor toys you planned to use all summer.
11. Your boundaries for neighborhood exploring have slowly increased until even you've lost track of exactly where your kids are allowed to roam.
12. You've started asking yourself if it's bedtime yet at 3 p.m. On a decent day.
13. You've strongly considered sending your teenagers on everything from mission trips to boarding school — as long as they'll be gone for at least a week or two.
14. You sent your kids to vacation Bible school to get a few hours of peace — and you're an atheist.
15. You've started using "yolo" without irony.
16. Your kids are usually dressed in some part of a bathing suit and their sister's shorts, but you've decided it's a retro look.
17. All of your kids' pairs of flip-flops and sandals are missing one shoe. Every. Single. One.
18. Grocery shopping alone has become rare, cherished "me time."
19. You've either completely given up on cleanliness or have resorted to following your kids around 24/7 reminding them to clean up. Don't worry, though, regardless of the approach you've taken, your house will look exactly the same.
20. You frequently hold family movie nights just so you can sit quietly and catch up on Facebook.
21. You've long since enacted a zero tolerance policy for any child who dares to utter the phrase "I'm bored."
22. You've spent your entire food budget for the month and it's only the second week — but your kids still claim that there's nothing to eat.
23. You've seriously considered canceling your Internet access and throwing away all of the screens just so they'll stop fighting about them.
24. You're not even surprised anymore when someone is bleeding and no one knows why.
25. You've already planned the cocktail you'll be drinking to toast the first day of school.
